i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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