dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
