Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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