If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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