Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
