Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
