I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
