I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Also, beer. Big fan.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
