Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
