sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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