Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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