I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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