Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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