the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
