running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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