Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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