I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
