The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
