Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
