I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize