just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
