Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize