the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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