I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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