im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize