I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
