I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
