Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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