My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it wasn't lemon gatorade
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
