We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
