Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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