I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
