textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
