It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Randomize
