Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
