I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
