I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize