you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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