He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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