I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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