I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
