ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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