Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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