the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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