I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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