i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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