dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
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