I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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