i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize