It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
