I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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