...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
