Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
