I can tuck mytits in my pants
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
