Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
