I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
