it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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