I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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